why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Randomize
