she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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