remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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