I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
