i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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