U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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