You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
