like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
