That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
