is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Help. Why am I so naked?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
