I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Randomize
