Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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