Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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