he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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