I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize