i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
You were trust falling into bushes
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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