my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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