she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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