My Higher Power is John Stamos
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
