I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
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