4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
