I wish they made helmets for livers.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
