Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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