can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
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