Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
