Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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