we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize