I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
