I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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