Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
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