Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
you inspire me to be a worse person
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Randomize