I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
