I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
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