Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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