Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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