If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Randomize
