Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
