I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
