you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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