Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
