Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
