the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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