my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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