??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
