So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
