Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
