i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Randomize
