A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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