They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
