He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize