God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
dude i'm inner monologue high
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I just found a bag of teeth...
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
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