4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
