My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
