your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
