I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Randomize
