I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize