that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
