Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I intend to get homeless drunk
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize