My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Dignity is for republicans.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Randomize
